Let’s Hear It For The Boys

Every mom knows there is a special connection with your sons. From an early age, these little guys love and look after their mothers. I always find it funny and interesting at college and professional sporting events when these huge, burly guys get a second on the camera and they always give a shout out to their mamas! Now that I’m a mom, I feel the pride their moms must feel on the other side of the screen. 🙂

We are still in the throws of raising our children, two boys and two girls. All four of them are SO different and every day seems to be another opportunity for me to learn more about them and learn more about parenting. Just about the time I start to think we have done something right, there is a new issue or challenge in front of us. They all keep us on our toes!

As challenging as parenting is, I want to do it intentionally. I want to foster strong connections with my children. As they grow, I see how this becomes more and more challenging. Boys clam up, they get busy, they get moody, they get keys and some independence, and if we are not careful, we lose connection. I am in NO WAY an expert parent and do not have professional credentials for writing about this topic. My husband and I are imperfect parents raising imperfect children, needing loads of grace on a daily basis! These ideas are just some things I have observed in the 16 years we have been doing this.

Connecting with girls and boys are two completely different animals. That’s why I have only chosen to write only about boys this time. Our oldest son is Garrison who is now 16 and learning all kinds of good adulting lessons. He has always been super responsible and independent. Now that he is driving, he is working to put gas in his truck and realizing quickly that things are not cheap! You only have to ask Garrison to do something once, and you can bet that it will be done and done well. Gavin is our younger son and is quick witted and hilarious! You can always count on Gavin to find something funny in a situation and know that he will have some commentary on it. Gavin will be a friend to anyone whether they are 4 years old or 40. He always made me laugh when he was younger and would put grown ups on his birthday invitation list. Those were his friends and that’s who he wanted to come.

These boys bring life, comedy, and character to our family. As they grow, I love to see their personalities develop and their faith become their own. I can see the tendency, however, to let space come between us. That has led me to think through what it takes to connect with these boys. I find these things to be true in our family and maybe they are true for you as well.

3 Ways to Connect With Boys

1. Communicate

I can see our boys talking less and less as they get older. I have read that men speak about 7,000 words a day compared to women who speak 20,000 words per day. I find this to be true when comparing our own children. The girls never have a shortage of words, but the boys are content to say the bare minimum. I know that the quantity of words they say may be smaller, but the quality of the words don’t have to be any less. If I’m not careful and intentional, the day will go by and I haven’t had a real conversation with the boys. I need to make sure I am checking in with them daily, keeping an eye on areas where they may be struggling, insecure, or unsure. Usually this means making sure I talk to them alone for a little bit. Conversations with the whole crew around often get hijacked by other stories and voices, so it needs to happen one on one. Drives in the car are great times to talk or just catching a few minutes before bed.

When we do talk, I need to make sure I am asking open ended questions. Questions like, “how was school?” are going to get answered with short answers. Change the question a little and ask, “what is something interesting that happened in school today?” ” Who are some people you talked to and what did you talk about?” Encourage answers that get a little more information than a one word answer. My husband, Levi, is awesome at asking the right questions to get to an answer. Many days his questions to the boys are, “what are you reading in your Bible?” “What is God teaching you right now?” Ask the questions that lead to the heart.

I also try to use what we have to communicate. Garrison has a phone and I know that’s one way to communicate. I try to take advantage of that and keep conversation open that way. Gavin is not happy about waiting until he is 13 for a phone ;), but can communicate on his tablet with me. These are obviously not the primary ways we communicate, but they are relevant to them and one way to keep the lines open between us. I don’t want technology to ever replace face to face time, but I know we can use that as another method to converse.

2. Competition

I tried to step back and think through the things that we do that connect most with the boys. One that stands out to me is competition. There seems to be a drive in boys to WIN and to compete. We take advantage of this often to connect with the boys.

At our house, anything and everything can become a competition! Everything from putting dishes away to a game in the backyard. I have noticed that when the guys aren’t particularly excited about something, just making it a competition engages them quickly. This is a recent example: we have always played games as a family. As the kids have gotten older, I have noticed that it’s harder to get them enthused about playing a game. I was determined one night to get everyone around the table for a game- I just felt like we needed to connect. It was apparent that they were not really in the mood…until we made the stakes higher. As a family of six, of course we only order water when we go to restaurants- haha! So for this particular game night, I told them that whoever won could order a drink or a dessert at the next place we went to eat. All of a sudden the boys were in it to win it! A quick and cheap prize was all it took to change the atmosphere at the table that night.

I could ask the boys to come sit with me and talk and they would, because they are great boys, but if I ask them to go shoot baskets or challenge them to a game of cornhole, they get more excited about hanging out together. From my experience, boys are wired for a challenge. When I take the opportunity to offer them one, they usually bite and it puts us on the same page. My husband still enjoys a good competition or challenge, so maybe boys never outgrow it!

Competition can take many forms. You can have a joint competition like building a jenga tower or completing something together, competitions to get chores done by challenging them to a time limit, game competitions, watching competitions (we love American Ninja Warrior), or talking about competitions. It is not my cup of tea to talk about sports stats and highlights, but if it interests the boys and they want to talk about it, I am as interested as I can be! 😉 This summer Gavin and I worked on a puzzle and it became a challenge to finish this huge puzzle. We spent hours together searching for pieces while we talked and hung out together.

My heart is not to push our boys to BE super competitive. We don’t want them to think they always have to win or get bent out of shape when they don’t. This point is about engaging our boys. Friendly and fun competition seems to be one way to do that.

3. Cooking

If it is true that the way to a man’s heart is through food, than that also includes little men! I have noticed that I can connect with the boys over what I cook as well as sitting down over food.

I mentioned in my post about birthdays that when it is someone’s birthday at our house, everyone else goes around the table and tells two things they love about that person. I used to get my feelings hurt when it was my time of the year because the boys would say things like, “she cooks for me” or “I love her food.” It became a joke over the years as I would say, “really!? All I get is food!?” Levi would get these glowing character traits on his birthday and I got the compliment of a short order cook! I see now that serving the boys in that way meant something to them and still does.

Gavin is a cheeseburger connoisseur and to connect with him, we can go on a hunt for the best cheeseburger. (Midtown Grill in Clarkesville and Cornelia, GA by the way) Both boys love it when I make chocolate chip cake or french toast. https://christaskipper.com/take-the-cake/ If you were to ask Garrison in any season of the year what I should cook for him, he will say white chicken chili. This is by far his favorite meal and one of the favorites for the whole family. He doesn’t care if it is the middle of summer, it is always his first request!

For whatever reason, knowing what the boys like and cooking for them seems to speak their language. Whether it is something I cook or we go grab something to eat, sitting down over food is a great ice breaker to start conversation.

There could be 100 ways to connect with our sons, but I wanted to share a few that I notice seem to work with ours. Connections with kids as they grow up can be more challenging, but fight to stay plugged in with them. Find what works for your family and pursue their hearts. They may seem like a clam and that they don’t want to talk, but don’t let that stop you from pressing in and seeking to maintain a strong relationship with these amazing boys.

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